4 weeks ago I opened up to my manager and a couple of colleagues about my food addiction.
It wasn't easy. You don't know how people are going to react, or what they are going to think of you.
It wasn't easy. You don't know how people are going to react, or what they are going to think of you.
Their internal thoughts of:
"I thought you'd put on weight"
"I saw the portion you ate last week"
"You're just greedy!".
Last week, for Eating Disorders Awareness Week I shared my experience of now being in programme and in recovery on my blog and with my workplace. It was received with kindness, although those thoughts of "what are they thinking about me?" (with their imaginary internal thoughts listed above) going through my head but I reminded myself that I can't control peoples thoughts. I just need to focus on the kindness and the bravery and vulnerability of me sharing with everyone and raising awareness.
I've been thinking since then of what has worked for me and what things I would want to hear or how I would want people to react (if they wanted to react at all).
I've written a list of those things, but really want to emphasise that this list is just my opinion. Remembering that everyone is different.
Thank them for sharing
As with anything that is a sensitive, personal topic that is shared with either a manager or a colleague, it's a big thing to open up about this to anyone.
The first thing to do is to thank that person for sharing the information with you. And feel good that this person trusts you enough to share that information with you.
Give them your full attention
Whilst the colleague is sharing with you DON'T get distracted by anything. Maybe see if they want to sit in a private room to talk further, or if you are in a private room anyway, turn over your phone or put it away so you're not distracted by the screen and close the lid of your laptop/turn off your computer screen, so that colleague knows you are there to just listen.
If the timing is a bit awkward for you then again, thank them for sharing but follow up with a time later that day that you can have a catch up with no distractions so you can give them your full attention. They may decline due to wanting to talk now but giving them the option is support. Even better, if you can move a meeting or change your plans to give that colleague your full attention at that very moment than take that opportunity. You don't know how long it has taken them to build up the bravery of sharing something so personal, so although right now might not be good for you, it is the best time for them.
Ask them if they are getting any support
Although companies have EAPs and MHFAs, and it's absolutely the right thing to signpost colleagues to these resources, in some instances it might not work. Ask them if they are getting any support. They may be getting support through their GP, through a programme such as Overeaters Anonymous (which also welcomes those with any eating disorder) or another resource. But also respect the answer if it is just a "yes" without any further information.
Ask them what support they need from you/the company
Maybe offering pizza reward nights after hitting targets will be inappropriate. And although you don't want to take this away from the other colleagues, it may result in this colleague feeling segregated from the rest of the team. Think about other things you can offer as a reward.
If you have a team night out, just check in with them beforehand to ask if they need any support.
Ask them if they want to have check ins with you.
If they work remotely and need to attend an online programme meeting in the workday, work out a way you can navigate that.
Do some research
Not so you can offer advice or talk to them about it "I read that XXX". But so you can try and understand what the colleague may be going through. However, everyone is different so what you read might not be completely the same for that colleague but having awareness of particular eating disorders and behaviours will help you to understand that colleague a little better.
Try to understand their triggers
Eating behaviours can sometimes be a result of certain triggers. For me personally, it's when I have feelings of overwhelm, anger, hurt, stress or frustration. Something I've only just discovered when working Step 1 of the Overeaters Anonymous programme.
Don't assume that the behaviours are based on things in their home life, or are just "who they are".
When sharing with my manager recently I really respected the fact that she asked me if anything at work can ever be a trigger for me. I loved that she asked me that.
Don't push for information
If that colleague is new to an Eating Disorder programme or has only just recognised that they have an Eating Disorder they may not yet know what their triggers are or what support they may need from you.
Still, ask those questions, when the time is right but if they say "I'm not sure" or seem to close off then accept that as an answer and then offer to be there if they ever need to talk about those things.
Don't say that you know how they feel
Unless you are living with an Eating Disorder or are in recovery, chances are, you won't know how that person feels. In fact, no one can ever know exactly how someone feels. Those of us living with the disease or in programme or recovery can resonate with others, we may have similar characteristics or understanding but we will never, truly, mirror someone else's feelings.
Someone with an over-eating disorder doesn't do it because "they just love food" or "because they are a foodie".
Keep questions respectful
Don't ask if they go to face to face meetings if they mention they are in programme. Don't ask which online meetings they go to. The meetings are a safe space with people that are trusted and it can instil a fear that they lose their safe space.
If you worry about talking about food in front of that person then ask them. Don't change who you are or become awkward because it will be noticed.
I've had one colleague ask me if it's ok to talk about food and another who was discussing food and then followed up with "This seems insensitive considering what you've just shared". I was fine to then say to them that it's ok. However, if I know I am in a bad mindset I feel comfortable to either change the conversation or politely say "Bread is a trigger food for me".
Expect difficult answers
When you ask questions you may find you have a colleague who doesn't want to talk about it or doesn't feel they need to talk about it. You may have a colleague who is really open to answering any questions. Prepare yourself that some answers may be hard to hear. You might feel sad, shocked or maybe even awkward. There is no response to give when someone shares these experiences. "That must be really hard for you" and "I'm sorry you're going through this" works but so does "thank you for sharing" and "thank you for trusting me".
Keep it confidential
This should go without saying really but only share this information with other managers or HR if the colleague consents to that, and if you feel it is really necessary for them to know. Respect the fact the colleague may just want to talk to you about it for the time being and will maybe share with others if necessary and when the time is right.
Just because that person felt safe enough to talk to you about it, it doesn't mean they feel safe with everyone. You were chosen for a reason.
