If there is one person on this earth who I feel is my therapist without actually being my therapist (really, I feel like I owe him a lot of money, but I suppose buying the albums and concert tickets counts in some ways) it would be Dan Reynolds, singer of Imagine Dragons.
I can listen to anything he talks about. He talks to a crowd and I feel like he is talking just to me.
He sings a song and I feel like he is singing it just to me.
He sings a song and I feel like he is singing it just to me.
I feel his words so deeply.
I have 3 tattoos that relate to Imagine Dragons songs (I could easily have a lot more).
I've been a fan of Imagine Dragons for 8 years now. I was lucky enough to be able to see them in 2022. A day I will never forget.
As they came onto the stage I broke down in my fiance's arms saying "They're real. They are actually real". I know, it sounds mad but it was such an incredible moment to have them, and Dan Reynolds in particular, stood just metres away from me. I still watch the videos my fiance took so I could have my phone away and just live in the moment.
I don't like watching things through my phone and like to live in the moment but sometimes I have to record things because my anxiety and overwhelm takes over so much that I forget those feelings I felt and re-watching the videos makes it real.
Anyway. I discovered a song called Giants on their album Mercury Act 1. I knew what the song was about, it's clear from the lyrics but the way Dan sings it, the passion and pain in his voice is just....WOW! It's now my dream to hear him sing that song live (they didn't sing it when I saw them).
This morning I listened to one of my anthem songs "Give Yourself a Try" by the 1975. I'm making it part of my routine everyday to listen to that song.
I then had the urge to listen to Giants by Imagine Dragons. With where I am in my life at the moment I know I was being told to listen to that song for a reason. And to really listen to the words and feel them on a deeper level.
A lot of Imagine Dragons songs already hit hard and I can relate to them. And today I realised I was being told to re-listen to this one because I can now relate to it.
The song is about addiction, which I knew.
But now, listening to the song I could relate it to my addiction with food.
Take a hit of anything
To escape it all, I'm suffocating
A sharpened blade of reality
Sometimes, I wanna hurt me
I know it's hard to hear, but I'm
Waitin' for the new year
Don't wanna waste my life chasin' white
Try to swim towards the light
Comin' up for air in the deepest of the deep ends
I thought I learned it all, but boom, the plot thickens
Sleepin' with giants, I'm tip-toein' quietly
Feelin' it all, it's sobriety
(La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la) got so tired of feelin' numb
(La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la) but take a look what I've become
Sleepin' with giants, I'm tip-toein' quietly
Feelin' it all, it's sobriety
Wanna make you proud of me
But slowly, I am killing me
Playing with chemistry
Floating to thе ceiling
Always rock 'n' roll 'til you die, you know, you been flyin'
Now I'm shaking at night, sweating thе sheets out
Grinding my teeth out
But still the world will glamorise it all
If I could leave one thing for you
It's exactly what not to do
I'm so proud of you
Take a look what I've become
Where he talks about "chasin' white" and "playing with chemistry", this relates so much to how I feel chasing food. Getting that hit from hurting myself with the food I eat. The feeling of hurt that it does to me mentally and physically when I end up not liking myself.
"But still the world will glamorise it all" for me, this sentence I can attach to how I feel about anti-diet culture. I know that diet culture is an issue, but I think that anti-diet culture is also a massive issue too. Glamorising "being happy with yourself no matter what weight you are. Enjoy the food you enjoy. Have the takeaway, have the chocolate" etc. This enables unhealthy behaviours and at one point in my life, affected me.
"Comin' up for air in the deepest of the deep ends. I thought I learned it all, but boom, the plot thickens" I thought I could control my eating habits by myself. That I didn't need anyone else. I'd done it before and I could do it again. "I thought I learned it all", I thought if I did what I did before it would be ok. I didn't need anyone else then and did it by myself. "But boom, the plot thickens" it turns out that, as an addict, I would slip back into bad habits and after a breakdown on February 1st I had the breakthrough that I needed others, including my higher power, to get hold of this.
"Got so tired of feelin' numb" This is how food and my behaviours made me feel.
"Sleepin' with giants, I'm tip-toein' quietly"
The giants are my addictions. Those trigger foods, those behaviours. The addict in me. Which will always be there. Whilst I have control and am making the right choices and following the programme, trusting in my higher power, the giants are asleep. But I am tip-toeing quietly to keep them asleep. Because one loud step, one slip, can undo it all, can wake them up.
"Feelin' it all, it's sobriety"
I'm 38 days in programme. 38 days of trusting my higher power. 38 days abstinent of over-eating and binge eating. 38 days of being sober from those eating habits.
And I am feeling it all.
