When I called my blog ‘In This Skin’ it was not only because of the Jessica Simpson song but also because this is a big focus in my life at the moment.
As her lyrics say,
“To be worthy
To feel beautiful in this skin
Be beautiful in this skin
Love me for me
Have confidence in this skin
Be confident in this skin”
Both mentally and physically.
I’m working all the time on the mental side.
Taking medication, journaling, recognising what makes me feel mentally health, the things I need to do to make me feel mentally well.
But physically is the hardest one.
I don’t like myself. In fact, I hate myself in this skin at the moment.
I look in the mirror and I despise who looks back at me.
In 2021 I lost a lot of weight and I was so happy with myself. I liked my reflection. I felt confident. I felt pretty.
Now, I feel self conscious, I don’t want anyone to look at me. I hate getting dressed everyday and having to put clothes on this body.
I hate it.
Nothing looks nice. Nothing feels nice.
And all because of food.
Living with a food addiction is horrible. It’s so hard.
You can’t just give it up. And to get to a place where you are focussed enough to make big changes is really hard.
I thought I could do it. I’ve done it before. Surely I could do it again. It will be easy.
I know how to do it. I know what the end result would be and how it will feel.
But why can’t I get there? Why is this so hard?!
I try to avoid the “why me?” pity party but I can’t right now.
“Why me?”
Why can’t I be focussed?
Why can’t I be stronger than this addiction?
Why can’t I have good willpower?
Why can’t I be in control?
Why does this have such a strong power over me?
Why can’t I be better?
Why can’t I just be the person I long to be?
The person who looks, and feels good?
Why is there a big part of me who wants to sabotage that?
Why does that side of me exist and how do I get rid of it?
How do I, once again, feel beautiful and confident in this skin?
